Where I’m at.

I’m going to be honest; I just don’t know who I am anymore.

I’m caught up in the current of life and it’s ripping me away from who I thought I would be, what I thought I was doing, and where I thought I was heading.

The moment I’m confident about shifting forward, I am quickly yanked backward, flipped right, and having to swim left, all while simultaneously trying to keep my head above water long enough to take one hasty gulp of air.

What I’m saying is; I’m drowning here.

I know unpredicatble change is something I should have seen coming, but I honestly thought I could make a plan and life would steer that way because of my willpower. What I’m learning now, however, is that despite my willpower to make life happen, I cannot control what is going on around me anymore than I can resist this change.

… making transition HARD!

I find myself questioning all that I believe because everything I thought I knew doesn’t seem predictable at the moment: Who am I anymore, if I’m not all the attributes I believed myself to be? If the very foundation of what all of my decisions are based off of is splintered, how can I make any sturdy decisions.

Am I still “strong” if I am not brave when it’s needed the most? Am I still “blessed” if tragedies are occurring outside of my control? And am I still a “good mom” when I feel like I’ve let my kids down?

When I’m being tasked with the defeating - and downright soul-crushing - responsibility of overcoming every obstacle within my path, will I still be considered a role model if I cannot help but lash out?

Am I going to find happiness again if all I can see is darkness? Will my family still love me when I make it out of the other side? If I’m struggling to love myself right now, how can anyone else possibly love me in the meantime?

My values are causing me distress, but at what point do you hold true to those values and at what point do you accept they no longer serve you?

I’m trying to stabilize nurturing my inner dialogue while also trying so hard to fight it and let me tell you: it’s fucking exhausting!

So here it goes - I am going to blog myself throughout the toughest transition of change in my LIFE. I’m bringing you along because I hope that in my darkest hour I am able to give you the courage to fight your own battles with the intention of coming out of this metaphorical to achieve your own goals.